Just Leave Me Alone

I've been having one of those "Can't everyone just leave me alone?" kind of days. Ok, one of those weeks. My patience is thin, thin, thin, and I have to check myself 50 times a day to get my heart back into the right place.

Imagine you are a carpenter, and every day you go to work and build something. It may be grand, it may be small, but every day you do your best. Then, at the end of each day, someone comes in to your workshop with a sledgehammer and completely destroys whatever you just made. You have nothing left except the knowledge that you did build something -- you ARE making something, and you are refining your craft, even if there is not much to show for it. That's how I feel most days.

I'm currently attempting to read a book (you know, with all my spare time) called Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ted Tripp. It's really, really good, but I'm getting more out of it that applies to myself than to my children. The whole book is about addressing the heart motives behind ones behavior instead of just fixing the behavior. Now, every time I'm getting frustrated, losing my temper, and wondering why I can't just lock myself in the bathroom, I'm trying to force myself to look at my heart instead of the circumstances. Am I mad because there's glitter all over the table or because I'm selfish and don't want to be inconvenienced?

The truth is, being a mom is really, really hard. IT'S. SO HARD! It's wonderful and I love it and I'd never want to be doing anything else, but it's hard. The hard part is not getting up early, cooking meals, cleaning, changing dirty diapers, etc. The hard part is putting aside my personal preferences, my "right" to a cup of hot coffee, a clean house, my desire for tranquility, my selfishness, my impatience. The hard part is forgetting about any sort of physical proof that I'm doing my job and just focusing on my family's hearts. And the hardest part is addressing my own heart first.

I love my job. I'm not trying to complain. Usually one night away will be all the refreshment I need to jump right back in with the right attitude. Unfortunately, those breaks are few and far between, and I think maybe I'm due for one. :)

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