All I Ever Have to Be

I've been struggling today.
It started with a poor day at work - I couldn't get my head to function, I had absolutely no creative juices to donate to my show and it ended up being less than ideal during this important ratings period. As if I didn't realize it already, I then received an email from my executive producer telling me the show was not up to par. This wasn't the first time I've felt this way recently. I've struggled the last couple of weeks with wondering if I'm really as skillfull and creative as I hoped I was.
Later when I got home, I started paying bills and realized that my bi-weekly paycheck only supports me for a week. It happens every time - I pay my bills and barely have enough to get by on, then I have to go ask JP for money (which don't get me wrong, he is always more than willing to give - I just hate asking). Then I think about how miniature my bills are compared to his and I realize how if I was still single, I would not even make enough money to support myself and a small apartment. I'd still be living at mom and dad's.
Today I'm struggling with the thought that I don't really excel at anything. I'm kind of what the saying calls a "jack of all trades, master of none." I'm pretty good at a lot of things, but not great any of them. Lies from the devil? Or just a sobering taste of reality? Let God decide.
I'd love to find something that I absolutely love to do that I really excel at. I'd love it to be some sort of photography or video editing or something artsy like that. Are these kinds of goals something to shoot for? Or is it better to just accept me and the talents the Lord gave me for who I am, even if I never master any of them?
All of this pondering brought a song back to my mind from WAY back in 1993 (I know, most of you are thinking 'gee, that's not so long ago'...but just to put it into perspective - I was 11 years old in 1993). It's an Amy Grant tune (I used to be her biggest fan back then - I can't stand her new stuff).

When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head,
And the thoughtful words of health and hope
Have all been nicely said.

But I’m still hurting,
Wondering if I’ll ever be
The one I think I am.

Then you gently re-remind me
That you’ve made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst.

And I realize the good in me,
Is only there because of who you are.

And all I ever have to be
Is what you’ve made me.
Any more or less would be a step
Out of your plan.

As you daily recreate me,
Help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do
What I can find.

And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be
Is what you’ve made me.


Chris Good said...

Audra, one thing I think you excel at is singing. Honestly your gift that you share with us at the Quarry is simply amazing.
As far as the whole producer thing, we all do things that we are not perfect in, or excel in to make ends meet. I think that TV is a tough business and humans are never ever going to be on their game all the time.
Now, saying that, I have been in a time of reflection myself. Sooner or later I am going to have to snap myself out of it and get down to work. I say this only to let you know your not alone in this.
The final thing is that in our small group we are going through a book called "Death by Suburb". One of the points of the book (and I am only a few chapters in) is that we hate being medocre and hate it about ourselves. Maybe that is who we are in that area of our life, and we have to accept it.
That being said...I am sure you will be able to kick yourself back into gear and make it happen.
I too feel I am good at a lot of things, just not excellent at anything. (hence some postings on good or Great...still trying to find out what I am great at).

Stephanie Balvin said...

Audra, I am here for you! I battle these thoughts daily. All I do it stay home and change poopy diapers. I am not good at rest of the day (cleaning, cooking, being organized). But I've learned over the past couple months, and am still learning our value, worth and excellence doesn't come from what we can DO, but from WHO created us. I look at you and think you are AMAZING- and I don't say that lightly! You have a voice that quiets a crowd- I wish I had that. You beauty lights up any room that you are in, your loving and friendly heart is beigger than most I know, and you love for you husband and God is something I strive for more and more. You are GREAT! you are great at what matters in this world! Don't sell yourself short! All the things you doubt about yourself are from Satan and NOWHERE else!
I strongly believe if you are doing what God wants you to do, and you are seeking him daily you are excelling just as you should! Don't get down and if you do, call me! We should hang out sometime soon, I miss you guys!

Becky said...

I almost laughed out loud when I read your post. I think this is like the anti-coming of age moment. We spend high school and college becoming really big fish in small ponds. And then one day we realize we are such jokes. (I wish you could see me laughing at myself)
When I was like, four years old I was convinced that I could put my hair in a pony tail really well. And then when I was like six, I remember being frustrated because I couldn't make it work right. I asked my mom why I couldn't do it anymore, and she told me I had never been able to, only now I could tell the difference.
I swear, I find myself back at that moment almost every day. I really thought I could sing. . . until I listened to myself. I used to think I could be beautiful. . . until I realized all my efforts got me just far enough to dissapear in a crowd. I really thought I was a nice girl. . . until I thought about the things I said to people. Every stinking day I realize that where I thought I stood out, I was just this mediocre middle child hamming it up for the world's amusement.
But God loves me and my husband thinks I'm great, and my mom says I'm funny, so I'm deeply content and even thankful to be a hilarious screw up. Fake It.

The Charlebois said...

You guys rock - and make me smile. :)
Thanks for your encouragement!

Stuart B said...

I think you and I are in the same boats...but whereas you have a degree, I'm still figuring that one out. Being editor of a newspaper has burned me out on journalism...what I'd really like to do is be an audio engineer...but I have a gift for writing, so would I be any good?

Trust God, that's all.

Go listen to some U2, it will make you feel better.

Priya said...

Hola Chiquita,

When all else fails, remember this...actually scratch that, maybe you should remember this before all else fails, so that all else will not fail ;-):

Christ in you, the hope of (any type) of glory!

peace out,

Anonymous said...

If you are married then you are one... and your finances should be too.