2.08.2006

Marriage Question

Okay, here is a question for all of you - something I've been hashing over lately - and I need feedback from both men and women.
We all know that within marriage, men and women have different needs. For a woman, the need is to be loved, cherished, and adored. For a man, the need is to be respected, honored, and admired.
Of course, its far easier to understand the concept than it is to actually live out love and respect in a marriage. Things happen, frustration creeps in, and what's known as the "crazy cycle" begins: She becomes frustrated with him (or vice versa), which causes her to disrespect him, which causes him to fail to show her love, which causes her to disrespect him more, and on and on and on. It's not easy to love and respect when you're feeling disappointment.

My question is this:

Is it possible for a woman to respect her husband and, at the same time, be disappointed in him...or do the two go hand in hand - if you're disappointed in him, you're not showing him respect?

I think I've come to a conclusion, but I'm wondering about the rest of you. Please comment - I want to hear your thoughts.

14 comments:

margaret said...

Here's my take...

A woman can respect her husband for many different things just like a man can love for many different reasons.

I believe it is possible to be disappointed in one way, yet still respect the other aspects of him ...just like a wife can do or say something that could make that one small part of her seem unloveable.

I believe that showing respect (or love) in a time of disappointment is what we are called to do. Many times it will help the situation become a learning experience rather than a big blowout. You could even say "I'm disappointed that you (fill in the blank) but I respect and love you dispite of that."

I'm not sure if this makes much sense...I'm not very good at articulating.

Lori said...

That was great, Margaret! She said it perfectly. I do believe that you can love and respect despite disappointment or disagreement. Here are a few things that I see carry that through. Respecting him/her by talking calmly and if you can't, having respect for yourself and taking a break from the issue at hand until you can. Listening to his/her side of the issue at hand. Taking time to really hear your partner and what they have to say. Discussing instead of disputing. If it is something that he/she does, lovingly calling them on it and telling him/her your feelings on it. Honest and open. Never lay your heads upon the pillow at night, without making everything right between you!

Brenton Balvin said...

From a man...

'Do respect and disappointment go hand in hand?'

No they don't. But here is a key difference. Respect is something that grows over time. It is something that is earned and developed. You come to respect a person as you begin to see all that they are.

Disappointment is a feeling that is situational. Things will happen, people will inevitable fail or let us down, our expectations will not be met. Any of these things will cause you to be disappointed.

The key is pushing through disappointment to respect. It means talking through the issues honestly, expressing emotions verbally and truthfully, and making sure that the value of a person is not diminished in the situation.

One of the worst things that a person can do, and one of the most disrespectful, is to allow feelings of disappointment to fester under the radar. Evaluate the feeling, think it through rationally, get some good Christian counsel, and then deal with it.

Good question Audra. Hope this response is valuable somehow.

The Charlebois said...

I understand what all of you are saying and agree, but to further my question -
If I'm disappointed in my husband and he knows it, he's not feeling respected, right? He's not thinking "my wife respects me," he's thinking "my wife thinks I'm disappointing."
Comments on this?

Brenton Balvin said...

I think what piggybacks that question is this one, "At what level are we personally responsible for managing our emotions and seperating what is true from what we feel?"

In true Christian community we need to speak truth to one another. This means expressing our reasonable disappointments. It also means that we walk through junk with people to bring them to the place they need to be. In a marriage relationship a husband and wife pledge to help one another become all they can be.

A husband needs to own up to whatever is causing the disappointment, even if that means he might feel disrespected for a time. But then God is glorifyed when we perserve through those initial feelings and end up at a place of mutual love and respect.

margaret said...

I guess the key thing here is to get the disappointment out in the open to be dealt with. Your husband may feel that you don't respect him at that time, so be careful with your words. (I've heard from several sources that using "I feel..." statements are better than "You did..." statements because it seems less like blaming.)

Once it has been discussed the wife needs to let it go. And pray, pray, pray. Women have a huge tendency (myself included) to remember these things for forever and a day and bring them up again. It is so important to work all the way through it it the beginning so that you can let it go (this is where prayer becomes a must.)

So I guess he may feel disrespect in the beginning but he will feel true love and respect when it is finished.

Stephanie Balvin said...

I think that the way you show your disappointment can depend on if a man feels disrespected. I think if you point out your disappointment out in front of everyone then that is disrespectful, but if you express it in a way that is showing your true feelings and disappointment in a private or counseled setting you are not being disrespectful, you are being honest. Plus you need to express your disappointments otherwise they will get bottled up inside and explode out at another time. Possibly at an inappropriate time and then being disrespectful. Yikes, does all of that make any sense?

Brenton Balvin said...

From your husband's perspective, 'Great comment Stephanie.' When we sit down alone and talk I feel much better than when I feel like a disappointment in public. Men are pretty image conscious. Good thought babe.

Anonymous said...

I kinda "feel" (emphasis added on the "feel") like pooping my pants right now.

Chris Good said...

I think if you are disappointed in something a person did, an action or inaction, is totally different than being disappointed in the person.

The difference is while this person may fail at something it was an action. You still love who they really are.

Do you believe at your core that your husband is a good and loveable man? Then you can be disappointed in his actions, but not in who he is.

Not sure if I seperated that well. But they are very different things.

margaret said...

Very good point Chris.

On another note, it seems someone has taken a little jab at my comment. Does anonymous have a name?

The Charlebois said...

I don't know who anonymous is...please post your names! :)

Anonymous said...

To chime in late. . . In my vast three and a half years of experience, the more I respect and honor my husband the greater the possibility for disapointment. I know the wonders of who God made him in deeper depths of his soul with every passing day. I know the greatness of his spirit man. So when he lives as a mere man, yeah there's disapointment, but if I talk about it, it's to encourage and build him up and ask how I can honor him to make him strong in that spirit man. It does no good to talk to the flesh man. That guys is dead anyway. Speak words of life and encouragement to the spirit man, and he will be blessed, honored, and built up through the disapointments.

Anonymous said...

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